Morning Docket
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* Regulators tell Elon Musk that he can’t start putting chips in people’s brains. GAH! Kill a monkey (or 1500) and suddenly the bureaucrats in Washington won’t let you do anything anymore. [Reuters]
* “Murdaugh Committed Murders As Career Spiraled” should be every attorney’s defense to a rough month… “I know I just considered taking my book of business to Jones Day, but I could’ve done a double murder.” [Law360]
* Biden administration plans to shift the liability for hacks to software manufacturers. This policy seems stupid but at least the president is trying to address the harms of massive data breaches instead of having public fever dreams about drag story time. America is broken. [Bloomberg Law News]
* After securing abortion restrictions, the new right-wing legal mission is advocating for strict voting restrictions. [ProPublica]
* Legal technology made the national news! Our coverage was better. [MSNBC]
* Let the battle for AI supremacy in Biglaw begin! [Legaltech News]
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* When the Trump administration used COVID as a rationale to unilaterally rewrite immigration laws, the Supreme Court thought that was fine. Today, the same justices will scream bloody murder at the idea of the Biden administration using the COVID economic slump to justify forgiving $20K worth of student loans the same way the government forgave millions in PPP loans. Because… reasons. [Reuters]
* Law firms get conservative on legal technology amid recession fears. I guess this means they aren’t trying to bring in tech to reduce attorney ranks. [Legaltech News]
* Rupert Murdoch acknowledges in testimony that Fox News lied about the election. Did these people even have in-house counsel in 2020? [Law360]
* Merrick Garland’s appearance on Capitol Hill tomorrow will very much suck for him. [Esquire]
* The ongoing Neil Gerrard scandal will go to court next week to find out just how much Dechert owes one of its former clients. [Bloomberg Law News]
* Florida court denies the habeas petition a pregnant detainee filed on behalf of her fetus. As always “Life Begins At Conception… Some Terms and Conditions Apply.” [The Guardian]
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* Another effort to strike “non-lawyer” from the industry vernacular. Deploying the phrase to denigrate other professionals is bad, but… it’s pretty important for a host of ethical reasons that folks know if their law firm contact is a lawyer or not. [Law.com]
* Shocking absolutely no one, when faculty met to discuss an effort by some Christian law students to get official recognition for new clubs to exclude LGBTQ students, the meeting was recorded and leaked to Fox News. Because the whole point for these initiatives is to get on Fox News. But now police are involved and students are getting a crash course in the difference between one- and two-party consent states. [NHPR]
* Alex Murdaugh’s lawyer pulled a gun on the prosecutor? Meh, seems par for this course. [Intelligencer]
* Even if Section 230 survives, it won’t shield ChatGPT. [Lawfare]
* Regulators are starting to think billion-dollar crypto deals might be a problem. Welcome to the party. [Reuters]
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* Fox doesn’t own the Discovery Network, but discovery now owns Fox News! See… it’s a Rule 26 joke. [Law360]
* A lawyer who represents themselves may have a fool for a client, but it’s possible that a lawyer hired to represent another lawyer over the handling of Trump’s classified documents case also has a fool for a client. [Reuters]
* There’s a lot of panic that the Supreme Court will fundamentally destroy the internet as we know it, just because they’ve already destroyed voting rights, reproductive rights, and the Second Amendment as we knew them. But everyone is forgetting that the Supreme Court needs to refill its Mana meter before it can obliterate another cornerstone of society. [CBS]
* NBA team hires Weil partner to head up in-house efforts. [Bloomberg]
* Another Republican governor pushing to get the data period-tracking apps into the hands of law enforcement because unlike periods, the fascism train is never late. [Washington Post]
* Jeremy Clarkson tells a lawyer with dyslexia to “learn to spell,” because Jeremy Clarkson is a dick. [Legal Cheek]
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* Supreme Court considering whether or not to blame Google for terrorism, which seems like a stretch because even if someone searched for terrorism, they’d have to wade through 35 ads for unrelated garbage before getting anything relevant. [Vox]
* Allen & Overy becomes first firm to go all in on ChatGPT style tech announcing that it’s working with Harvey. [Legal Futures]
* NBA great George Gervin sues Ralph Lauren for releasing a retro-styled shoe called the “Gervin Mid.” So… apparently Ralph Lauren thought George Gervin was dead. [Law360]
* New York Governor Kathy Hochul fought hard for her right to be publicly humiliated, and officially succeeded as the NY Senate that attempted to offer her basic political dignity caved and officially rejected Hector LaSalle nomination to serve as chief judge. Crackerjack politicking! [Politico]
* Litigation financing spent $3.2B last year. It would be nice if justice didn’t need speculators to function, but if this is the system we’re sticking with, it’s nice that they’re there. [Reuters]
* Kari Lake’s lawyers get slapped with bar complaints because… obviously. [NBC]
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* Just because the law determines that someone is a dangerous threat to others, the Fifth Circuit rules that court orders still can’t take away their guns because that’s a fundamental right. You know, walking around as a free person is a fundamental right too… can the justice system still put criminals in prison? [Reuters]
* Lizzo is now officially 100 percent that bitch. [Law360]
* Baker McKenzie office managing partner steps aside amid investigation into office-wide discrimination claims. [LegalCheek]
* Mergers are going to get bigger. Which is the point of all mergers, but we mean a lot bigger. [American Lawyer]
* Data breaches are going to get costlier to deal with. So maybe plan ahead? Or don’t… plaintiffs lawyers need work too. [Law.com Barometer]
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* Law firms don’t appreciate associates building their own brand through social media. Because “professional development” only flows one direction. [Legal Intelligencer]
* Hunter Biden seems to have found lawyers who are aware that ripping private data off a computer is generally a crime. [Washington Post]
* Real Criminal Defendants Of Beverly Hills. [Reuters]
* Andrew Tate’s got a new lawyer. He’s probably mansplaining how the law works to her right now. [Rolling Stone]
* Supreme Court considers whether algorithms might evade the spirit of internet laws. [The Atlantic]
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* Sam Bankman-Fried objects to “overbroad” bail restrictions. Bail restrictions can be onerous and harassing but these boil down to “please don’t talk to possible witnesses against you or send automatically deleting communications,” which seems… reasonable. Next thing you know they’re going to be telling him he can’t pay fines with magic beans! [Reuters]
* When looking in the mirror in 2023, there’s one question we must all ask ourselves: Was I at Camp Lejeune? I don’t think so, but these ads have got me wondering if I might’ve been stationed there for 5 years and just forgot. [Bloomberg]
* Life Sciences work is going to stay busy. It seems there’s still plenty of money out there despite all the grumbling. [The Recorder]
* It took a Ninth Circuit opinion, but it turns out that, yes, the president can fire people who work for him. Glad we got that settled. [Law360]
* The Prenda Law saga continues as a federal court shuts down the latest attempt of the imprisoned lawyer to file more of the same lawsuits that landed him in prison in the first place. [Ars Technica]
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* There’s a lot to say about Brett Kavanaugh’s speech at Notre Dame Law School, but he used the opportunity to bash the US News rankings blasting the idea that the publication’s reputation survey can capture the quality of an education. His clerks this Term all went to Harvard, Yale, and Stanford. [CNN]
* Shearman & Sterling used to be a top 5 earning firm. Now it’s banking on a merger — that feels more like a takeover — to save it. What happened? [American Lawyer]
* Forum shopping has gotten to the point where attorneys pushing fringe legal theories have a 100 percent chance of landing a friendly judge. [The Nation]
* Ted Lieu proposes resolution to regulate AI written by AI. I guess we already let oil companies write environmental laws so this isn’t much different. [NBC]
* John Eastman disbarment proceedings coming soon. [The Guardian]
* Republicans target ESG rules. It’s one thing to complain about the SEC, but these proposals would bar investment funds from making demands on companies they own. So much for the free market! [Bloomberg]
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* ChatGPT “passes” law school exam. Which is not really how law school works, but cool. Congrats on your below market salary, debt-laden hellscape Johnny 5! [CBS]
* Lawyer threats avert robot legal apocalypse. I’m still pretty sure this is a stupid temper tantrum from lawyers who think they’re special snowflakes, but here we are. [NPR]
* Madison Square Garden’s lawyer ban may violate bias laws. Reality continues to lag about 4 weeks behind what I say. Are people not watching my podcast appearances when they come out live? Because we could speed all this up. [NBC]
* Paperwork is just not Elon Musk’s “style.” That’s cool and all, but you still need to do it before publicly announcing that you have done the paperwork. [Law360]
* Axiom opens law firm in Arizona thanks to regulatory changes. [ABA Journal]
* Craziest. Story. Ever. [Courthouse News Service]
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* Twitter who signed agreements committing them to private arbitration cannot pursue a class action against the company. Though the judge noted a few members of the proposed class had opted out of that agreement so the case lives on for the moment. Musk still unaware of the ruling because it’s buried under all the crap in the “For You” feed. [Reuters]
* The UK has blocked Scotland’s gender recognition law. Because post-Brexit the smartest thing England can do is further alienate Scotland and Northern Ireland. [CNN]
* FTC blows dusts off antitrust rule book like discovering ancient lore in an enchanted dungeon. Will address big box retailers getting massive discounts from manufacturers to maximize profit over smaller competitors. [Bloomberg]
* Tensions may be developing between Supreme Court justices. Amazing what happens when one wing of the Court fully abandons the law to be politicians. [The Atlantic]
* Over a third of legal workers hate their boss. Congratulations lawyers! I’d have expected a much higher number. [LegalCheek]
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* FINALLY. Firm leaders willing to come right out and say that “recession” fears are overblown at this point. Regular followers of Above the Law might have heard this point five or six hundred times over the last six months. [American Lawyer]
* Covington sued for non-compliance in client data leak investigation. If a leak happens in the woods and no one properly investigates it, does it even happen, really? [Law.com]
* Supreme Court allows New York gun regulations to stand while Second Circuit litigation continues. Congratulations New York! You get to exercise the state sovereignty to regulate guns guaranteed by the actual text of the Second Amendment… for a few more months. [Law360]
* Sam Bankman-Fried is blogging on Substack now? Perfect client, 10 out of 10, no notes! [Reuters]
* New high-powered firm set up to fight threats to democracy. It’s a growth industry. [New York Times]
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* The Biden administration’s defense of its student loan relief programs arrived. It mostly revolves around the plaintiffs’ lack of standing, which has the benefit of being completely correct and the drawback of a majority of justices who don’t care. [Reuters]
* After yesterday’s southeastern merger news, now Maynard and Nexsen are merging to build a 550-attorney firm. [Daily Report Online]
* Coinbase will have to pay $100M in real people money for anti-money laundering compliance failures. [Law360]
* S&C takes overall deal value crown for 2022, shedding a bit of light on those Kirkland cutbacks we’ve been hearing about [American Lawyer]
* Preparing for a cyber threat is one thing. Getting lawyers to actually comply with your policies is another. [Legaltech News]
* Another story about facial recognition software, race, and mistaken identity. This time a man claims he was falsely arrested because of the software. [Gizmodo]
* In other news, I was on the most recent episode of WGN’s Legal Face-Off discussing a wide range of legal issues from bonuses to the Supreme Court. [WGN]
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* Class action lawsuit filed against Southwest Airlines over holiday travel meltdown right on schedule… unlike Southwest. [Corporate Counsel]
* Sam Bankman-Fried trial set for October. [New York Law Journal]
* Kasowitz suing Glenn Agre over fees. Glenn Agre partners worked on the matter at Kasowitz before founding Glenn Agre and bringing the work with them. Now that the matter is closed, Glenn Agre earned a success fee and Kasowitz wants a chunk of that. Does Kasowitz pay pro rated bonuses to associates who lateral to other firms mid-year? Because that’s the firm’s logic. [American Lawyer]
* Biden renominates pending judgeship appointments. These nominations may have languished in the last Congress, but there’s now a chance they can get confirmed before the next Speaker. [Reuters]
* DoNotPay, the AI speeding ticket system, is set to defend its first matter in court. [New Scientist]
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* “What are you, an officer? Get a real job!”: Judge rules policing isn’t thought of as a profession, thwarting an attempt to get off Death Row. [AZ Central]
* Is US tech lagging for legal reasons? Some think so. [NYT]
* SCOTUS rules denying Puerto Rico’s residents Supplemental Security Income is no biggie. [Twitter]
* Show me the money! Lawmakers hope new regulations can combat hiding assets in the states. [WaPo]
* One man’s trash is another’s 4th amendment violation…for now: Iowa Gov. wants to overturn an Iowa Supreme Court ruling that bans cops from searching people’s trash without a warrant. [DesMoines Register]
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* Conviction sends Bitcoin boss from blockchain to chain gang. [Law360]
* Remember Popkin & Stern? Probably not since it collapsed in 1991. Its wild bankruptcy tale is finally coming to an end after art fights and marriage proposals. [Stltoday]
* Drug smugglers are now suing their lawyers for saying they knew Alex Acosta but failed to get an “Epstein deal.” This “Rule of Law” thing is not going well, folks. [Miami Herald]
* Effort to quash the House subpoena of Trump’s accountants heads to the DC Circuit today where new judge Neomi Rao will have an early opportunity to cook up some kooky ramblings to justify a purely political decision. [National Law Journal]
* Andrew Cuomo steps up to disenfranchise voters to shield his political stooges. [Sunnyside Post]
* Municipality hacks keep striking and it’s a real problem for everyone’s privacy. [Legaltech News]
* R. Kelly arrested on new charges. [Huffington Post]
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* It’s cliché to label this, “but their emails” right? [NY Times]
* R. Kelly wants to see this sex tape. Let’s presume it’s for defense purposes. [TMZ]
* Navigating the privacy waters between GDPR and CCPA. [Corporate Counsel]
* Gordon Caplan has a court date with Aunt Becky. [American Lawyer]
* While eDiscovery has been a thing for over a decade, a new study confirms that a lot of firms still don’t understand it. [Legaltech News]
* The SPLC removed its founder…folks around the work they do think that was the right move. Meanwhile, prepare for years of white supremacists going “I can’t be criticized because SPLC had a sh [New Yorker]
* Mississippi wants a law aborted next. [NBC News]
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* Hail Mary pass interference? President Donald Trump reportedly asked then-acting AG Matthew Whitaker if U.S. Attorney Geoffrey Berman (S.D.N.Y.) — a “perceived loyalist” — could be put in charge of the Michael Cohen probe even though he’d already recused himself. [New York Times]
* Chief Justice John Roberts once again sided with the Supreme Court’s liberals in refusing to agree with a Texas court’s decision to execute a death row inmate with intellectual disabilities, writing that the lower court’s review of the case “did not pass muster under this court’s analysis last time,” and “[i]t still doesn’t.” Justice Samuel Alito dissented, and was obviously joined by the high court’s conservatives. [Washington Post]
* Emoji are popping up more and more in court cases, and courts still don’t know what to do with them — which is a shame, because “[j]udges need to be aware of the importance of the emojis to the overall communication when we run into … odd evidentiary issues.” [The Verge]
* This Fox Rothschild partner is facing sanctions over missed deadlines in several cases for his client, porn producer Strike 3 Holdings. He’s repped the “copyright troll” in about 2,500 infringement cases since 2017. [American Lawyer]
* If you’re interested in investing in the future of law, alternative legal services provider Axiom will be going public and has applied for an IPO. The number of shares up for grabs and their price range is still undecided. [ALM International]