Are You Really Sorry?
Don’t encourage an apology if the client doesn’t really mean it.
(Image via Getty)
Attention, dinosaurs! Way back when (and we can use the Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show), singer Connie Francis had a very popular song, “Who’s Sorry Now?” Remember?
I’ve pointed out many occasions when lawyers and judges have apologized for various forms of misconduct, in court, in their firms, before state bar disciplinary panels, before judicial performance commissions, and online using social media. I have wondered if the apologies were truly genuine or just a way to wriggle out (usually unsuccessfully) of their stupid and thoughtless remarks and actions. How do you know if an apology is truly genuine?
In their new book, “Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, The Case for Good Apologies,” authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy list six factors for good apologies. The authors take great delight (as well they should) in calling out and eviscerating many apologies that should never have been written or spoken, especially on social media. My disdain for social media includes, but is not limited to, half-hearted, bone-headed limp expressions of regret. However, the authors think that social media can be good for the art of apology, which they view as an art.
The term “walking back” aka “never mind,” while usually used in the context of admitting error in what was said, can be also applied to apologies. If you didn’t mean to say it, why did you? And if you truly in your heart of hearts didn’t mean to apologize, then there’s no way that the apology would ever be good or sincere. False sentiments of contrition are useless and piss off the recipients. Lousy apologies are just insincere attempts to excuse an embarrassing situation, and there are many lousy, cringeworthy, tone-deaf apologies. They are all around us.
As a mediator, I have wrestled with whether an apology does any good or only makes a bad situation worse. Just Google “apologies in mediation,” and you will be overwhelmed with content. Lots of mediators have lots of opinions about apologies. Don’t encourage an apology if the client doesn’t really mean it. On the flip side, sometimes a heartfelt apology can close the gap between settlement or not, and if some dollars are put on the table as well, it can be hard to decline that apology. However, there’s no requirement that an apology be accepted. That’s for the recipient to decide.
So, the authors have listed six factors that they think need to be in any genuine apology, and I mean genuine, something unforced, something that is said without counsel kicking her unhappy client under the conference table. People understand insincerity.
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Here are the six factors to a good apology, as the authors say, to “get it right.”
The first is to say that you are sorry. Three little words. Don’t say “regret”; say “sorry.”
The second is to say that you are sorry “for what you did.” Don’t be wishy-washy and say, “the incident,” “the occurrence,” or other similar words. Be specific; don’t be narcissistic. This is not about you. You are not the victim here.
Just as important is the third factor: show why you understand you did was wrong. Show you understand the effect your mistake has had on the other side.
Fourth: don’t make excuses for the behavior. Only explain if it’s necessary. Take responsibility for what happened. The apology should be able to stand on its own. We do the “yes, but” routine all the time and there is noting more annoying than trying to excuse bad behavior. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Full stop.
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We’re almost done here. Five, say why it won’t happen again. Hopefully, having learned from the mistake, vigilance and prevention against future occurrences should be communicated.
Lastly, offer to make up for it. Whatever that might be. Of course, if the injured party wants a gazillion dollars for a hangnail suffered due to a bad manicure, that is beyond the pale of reparation. The offer should be within the scope of the suffered harm. Reality must play some part in all this.
The authors list “listen” as necessary to the apology process. Agreed. We need to do more listening and less talking. When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. In other words, STFU.
In crafting a good apology, the authors want the person who will be offering the apology to answer these questions: is there any blame shifting going on? Is the offense being minimized? Is the apologetic tone defensive? Does the person really want to apologize? Can there be an apology without blaming the apology recipient? If you are not sorry, then don’t apologize.
Words such as “regrettable,” “alleged,” “if,” “but,” “obviously,” and “unfortunately,” don’t belong in apologies. Think long and hard about word choices first before saying anything..
These six factors for a good apology apply everywhere in every situation to all of us, to the vast panoply of people and entities who screw up: corporations, individuals, politicians, physicians, celebrities, and, yes, even lawyers. How many times do you think a genuine apology might have avoided litigation, made it easier to resolve a conflict, or put something to rights that went wrong? Elton John nailed it. “Sorry” does seem to be the hardest word.
Jill Switzer has been an active member of the State Bar of California for over 40 years. She remembers practicing law in a kinder, gentler time. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see dinosaurs, millennials, and those in-between interact — it’s not always civil. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.
