Is A Silent Retreat The Answer To The Stresses Of Motherhood And A Legal Career?
Compassion for yourself and others is always important. The legal world could use a little more of that.
Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Nanda E. Davis back to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.
Can you imagine leaving your family and job for four nights to spend your days in silence and meditation? If you had asked me a year and a half ago, I would have laughed and said no way. But things change. I’m a mother of two small children, an owner of a busy divorce law practice, and someone who has been meditating with the help of a popular meditation app for about a year. My job is stressful, and I never feel like I have enough time for my children. When I recently received a disheartening health diagnosis, my husband encouraged me to find a silent retreat to deepen my meditation practice. The thinking was that some things in life (like my health diagnosis) are outside of my control, and meditation and mindfulness is one way to cope with those things that we cannot change. So, with some trepidation, I booked a silent retreat in the mountains of Boone, North Carolina.
Before leaving for my retreat, I had a lot of concerns. Would I be able to be in silence for that long? How would I sit and meditate for hours on end if I could barely do 10 minutes a day of meditation on my app? Part of my health problems involve physical pain. Would hours of sitting still in meditation exacerbate this pain? Would the other participants be weird? Would the instruction be so bizarre that I would want to leave? Was I wasting precious time that I did not have to spare by going on this retreat? And most importantly, since I had never left my children for that long, would they be alright? Would I be alright away from them?
Legal Knowledge Management To Drive Dealmaking
Upon arriving at the facility, I was struck by the complete beauty of the location. The Blue Ridge Mountains lived up to their name in various shades of blue, making a gorgeous backdrop for sunsets and sunrises.
The program was highly structured, with 18 other people ranging in ages from their late 20s to well past 60, two-thirds were women. Our instructor was a charming woman, originally from India, who was both firm and motherly. The first rule she gave us was that we were not to consume caffeine for the duration of the retreat. Bummer for this mom, who definitely had daily withdrawal headaches from the lack of her daily cup of coffee. (I actually cheated on the last day just so I didn’t have to drive with a headache).
The first 24 hours were actually not spent in silence. We were led through a lot of group bonding activities that irked me since I had not counted on being forced to share personal details about myself with strangers at a retreat that was supposed to be silent. Several people were either going through a divorce or contemplating divorce, and it was hard to be thrust back around people who reminded me so much of my clients back home. Other people had experienced such tragedy and hardship in their lives that it made my own reasons for coming on this retreat pale in comparison. Some participants were truly inspiring, and I had to admit that I was glad that I had been forced to talk to them, because I cannot imagine how else I would have met such interesting people had I not been at something like this.
When we finally went into silence on day two, I felt my body relax. The rules were simple. Do nothing. That meant, no moving your lips to make a sound. No communicating with anyone. No texting. No checking email. No checking the news or looking at your phone. No watching TV. No writing or journaling. No reading. No normal obligations of social politeness. If you felt struck by inspiration you could make a quick sketch or jot down a poem, but otherwise no activities, except for sessions and meals.
Sponsored
What Do Millennials Think Of Law Firm Life?
The Global Legal News You Need, When You Need It
Stuck Drafting A Tough Brief? This Tool Can Help.
Despite my trepidation, I loved the silence and the mandate to do nothing. My mind slowed down. And my body seemed to love it as I slept like I haven’t slept since I was a teenager. I am someone who wakes up early regardless of when I fall asleep, but at this retreat I went to sleep early, woke up early, then fell back asleep for an additional several hours. Then in between lunch and session in the afternoon, I would take another nap. I actually ended up missing several yoga classes as I slept in my room. Granted, that was just my experience, and another participant at the end said she loved the program but hadn’t slept in four days.
However, if I had thought that I was going to be around silence, I was wrong. The retreat center was filled with over 100 other people who were there for various other programs, and they were loud, filling the dining hall with laughter. More disconcerting, these participants, and even some staff members, would frequently approach me trying enthusiastically to make small talk. I would then awkwardly point at my lips or my small sign that said I was in silence and they would then back away. I so craved silence that I would often go back to our session building when it was empty and lie on my yoga mat to just get away from the noise.
This was a deep dive into a different style of meditation, and I loved how it broadened my perspective and deepened my understanding of my mind. One of the meditations made me feel like I was in a trance. Several of the other participants sobbed through parts of it. Other participants fell asleep, and their snores echoed in the room. All of this was alright. As our instructor said, “We will never control the mind at the level of the mind. We have to dig deeper.”
On the last day of the retreat our instructor pulled together the different meditation techniques she had taught us into a meditation schedule that she said we absolutely had to do every day going forward after morning yoga or a workout of our choice. I’m sure that I would feel fantastic if I worked out and then did the 40 or so minutes of mediation that she recommended, but it is also not practical for my frantically busy life with small children, work, homework, and housework. On my first day back, I shortened the meditation practice to something more manageable. I’m sure my instructor would be horrified, but I still felt calm and less reactive after completing it.
Was this retreat life-changing? Most of the participants said they felt it was. They tearfully gave testimonials on the last session about how this had changed their lives. I definitely felt like I had learned something new and broadened my perspective on the world, but I didn’t feel moved to tears. Perhaps this was a testament to the fact that my life is actually very good. Yes, I have stresses, hardships and obstacles, but I also appreciate all the blessings I have in my life.
Sponsored
Stuck Drafting A Tough Brief? This Tool Can Help.
Legal Knowledge Management To Drive Dealmaking
And what about my fears prior to going on this retreat? Well, I loved the silence and found that easy, but I fiercely missed my children. If I had been given the opportunity to cheat and talk to them, I definitely would have FaceTimed them. And what about my fear of being in pain? Well, there is a certain irony in going on a meditation retreat to accept pain in your body, only to find that sitting still for hours on end only exacerbates the pain. My body definitely hurt a lot, despite the center doing everything possible to make us all as comfortable as possible with different types of chairs, cushions and blankets. There were also a lot of stairs at this retreat center, and I know for some people, that would pose a problem.
Returning to the real world felt strange, but hugging my children felt so right. Back home, as I washed the patchouli scent from my hair (and every single item of clothing I brought with me), I realized that all the stresses of my client’s cases and the aggravation of dealing with opposing counsel seemed insignificant. And in some ways, I wish that everyone had the opportunity to do something like this. To take a break. To rest the mind and the body. To learn that we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings. To step outside our comfort zone. And to be reminded of the ways in which we are all humans in this world together, and that compassion for yourself and others is always important. The legal world could use a little more of that. The whole world could.
(Courtesy photo)
Nanda E. Davis opened her firm, Davis Law Practice, in Roanoke, Virginia, in 2014. She specializes in divorce, custody, and matters involving Child Protective Services. She is also the mother of two boys. More about her can be found on her website and she can be reached by email: nanda@davislawpractice.com.
